Post by messene on Sept 12, 2013 14:55:44 GMT
Nothing compares… nothing compares to the misery and heartache of realizing your father is not who you thought he was. God, it makes me laugh when I look back on how I used to defend you, how fiercely proud I was that you were my Dad, mine, and no one else’s. Yayyyy for me. God, how stupid, how blind and stupid.
Children are innocent and untainted, brains like sponges, they say. More like underdeveloped immune systems that haven’t realized they live with a highly infectious disease. One that would teach you its corruptive ways, living parasitically off you until there was nothing left, and it moved on to a new host. Well, she can have you.
Its weird how I still feel compelled to pretend to be your daughter, keep up the façade, ‘we have a relationship’. Let me tell you, what we have is nothing more than the relationship between a student and pupil, perhaps at best you are a tutor who has become fond of the student, perhaps even allows them to stay with them from time to time. Because if you were my father, you would love me. You would make me see you love me, because for people who love each other it is a sick sort of torture to not be able to express your affection. You hear me? Torture. I don’t see you suffering too much, what, with your Labrador dogs/surrogate children, beachfront property, farm house on the side. You make me sick.
Sorry, I’m losing my composure. Never be too expressive, you taught me.
What you taught me: Proceed with caution, always with caution. God, I can’t even ice skate because I’m too scared of falling over and hurting myself, lord know what will happen when I find a guy I like but am too scared to talk to, I guess I can kiss romance goodbye. Yes, I do blame you for this.
You once said you were worried I had ended up too shy. Fuck you. How dare you criticize me. I am not your project, not your experiment that didn’t quite turn out how you wanted. You have no right and you do not own me.
I may sound convicted, but I still feel a shadow of doubt which pulls at me from behind, telling me you don’t deserve this, or, you didn’t do it on purpose, like, you were some victim of a bad up-bringing, which you were, but still, someone has to take responsibility otherwise we are all just out of control victims who keep on ruining other people’s lives because we ‘just can’t help it’. Puleeaase. Next time wear protection.
Can you believe that, even my subconscious is making excuses for you, telling me to give you another chance. That’s how fucked up I am.
Sorry, getting carried away here. They told us to not hold back when writing, just write through a ‘stream of consciousness’. I thought I had writers block but when I started writing this letter to you I found this amazing creative energy, weird right? Anyway, just wanted to say Happy fathers day and thanks for paying my fees, college is great and I really think writing might be my calling.
Children are innocent and untainted, brains like sponges, they say. More like underdeveloped immune systems that haven’t realized they live with a highly infectious disease. One that would teach you its corruptive ways, living parasitically off you until there was nothing left, and it moved on to a new host. Well, she can have you.
Its weird how I still feel compelled to pretend to be your daughter, keep up the façade, ‘we have a relationship’. Let me tell you, what we have is nothing more than the relationship between a student and pupil, perhaps at best you are a tutor who has become fond of the student, perhaps even allows them to stay with them from time to time. Because if you were my father, you would love me. You would make me see you love me, because for people who love each other it is a sick sort of torture to not be able to express your affection. You hear me? Torture. I don’t see you suffering too much, what, with your Labrador dogs/surrogate children, beachfront property, farm house on the side. You make me sick.
Sorry, I’m losing my composure. Never be too expressive, you taught me.
What you taught me: Proceed with caution, always with caution. God, I can’t even ice skate because I’m too scared of falling over and hurting myself, lord know what will happen when I find a guy I like but am too scared to talk to, I guess I can kiss romance goodbye. Yes, I do blame you for this.
You once said you were worried I had ended up too shy. Fuck you. How dare you criticize me. I am not your project, not your experiment that didn’t quite turn out how you wanted. You have no right and you do not own me.
I may sound convicted, but I still feel a shadow of doubt which pulls at me from behind, telling me you don’t deserve this, or, you didn’t do it on purpose, like, you were some victim of a bad up-bringing, which you were, but still, someone has to take responsibility otherwise we are all just out of control victims who keep on ruining other people’s lives because we ‘just can’t help it’. Puleeaase. Next time wear protection.
Can you believe that, even my subconscious is making excuses for you, telling me to give you another chance. That’s how fucked up I am.
Sorry, getting carried away here. They told us to not hold back when writing, just write through a ‘stream of consciousness’. I thought I had writers block but when I started writing this letter to you I found this amazing creative energy, weird right? Anyway, just wanted to say Happy fathers day and thanks for paying my fees, college is great and I really think writing might be my calling.